


Through the Wire

by breatherepeat



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Adoption, Family Feels, Grandmothers, LGBTQ Themes, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Surrogacy, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-06-08 08:04:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6846322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While on the US tour, Dan receives multiple calls from his grandmother.  </p><p>No worries. Grandmother is fine. She just has an important question for him to answer. </p><p>Set in the same universe as Everything. Don't need to read Everything to enjoy this one though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Closing the divider door, Phil threw off his jacket and sat on the bed to take off his shoes. There were two soft lights on each side of the bed to illuminate their room. They were done with the show for the night and settling in for the long ride to the next stop. Phil would need to look at their schedule to know the exact name of the town, but he was pretty sure they would wake up in a new state. Grinning as he watched Dan line their shoes up along the wall and then check his phone, Phil was once again reminded how different, yet the same in many ways, their lives have been for the last few weeks. 

"My grandma rang again. What time is it there?" Dan crawled backward on their bed and sighed in content when his back rested again the pillow and Phil joined him by laying his head on Dan's chest. His grandma called him frequently when he was at home; however, he had only spoke to her once since they had been on tour. Time zones and busy schedules leaving little time to chat. His grandmother had left a message for him yesterday and he had meant to ring her earlier today. Her message with quick and she said she had something to speak to him about that was time sensitive.

"Too late for time zone conversions. Use that little device in your hand." Phil brushed his hand across Dan's stomach and reached to pull the t-shirt up to increase the small tease of skin showing. The hum of the bus had started and he knew both of them were not ready for sleep quite yet. 

Batting Phil's hand away and pulling down his shirt, Dan made a sound of condemnation as he continued to press buttons on his screen. "You know the rules."

"No number two in the loo and hands out of the pants or Dan will not water the plants." Phil looked up as he gave Dan a weak pout and then quickly ducked his head away from the pillow thrown at him. "Hey, no hurting the money maker. And, I get your pillow now because I'm not picking that up."

"Man who make bad puns..." Dan paused to think of something that would make sense but his tired brain failed him. "Sleeps alone."

Giving Dan a look to show his utter fail of a response, Phil then leaned forward and gave him a gentle kiss. "I miss you." 

"I'm literally next to you for ninety-five percent of the day." Dan set his phone down, with an alarm set to remind him to ring his grandma the next day, and wrapped both of his arms around Phil's back. "We talked about this. Only kissing on the bus and save everything else for the hotels. I'm not comfortable with other people potentially hearing us and giving us looks in the morning. Nope, no, nopely nope."

"And I say, there is no way they could hear us over the engine and we can be quiet." Phil kissed his way down Dan's neck, slowly attending to each of his preferred spots as he waited to see if he won Dan over from his rules. Hearing a quiet moan and then another "nope," Phil swiftly pulled the pillow from behind Dan and rested his head down on top of it. "Then I get the pillow for sure."

Pressing his hand onto Phil's stomach as he leaned across his body for the pillow on the floor, Dan smirked at the groan he caused and quickly laid back down next to Phil.

"That hurt." Phil whined as he rubbed his stomach.

"I could have pressed my hand into a spot lower on your body but I didn't want to hurt the money maker." Dan directed his smirk to Phil.

"You love my money maker." Phil teased back and moved himself so he was pressed against Dan's side.

"I love all of you. Even your bad puns." Dan kissed Phil's nose and pulled Phil closer so he was once again resting his head on his chest. "Want to watch a film?"

"Are you going to put it in?" Phil hugged Dan tighter around the waist and closed his eyes.

"I thought we just had this talk: No sex on the bus." Dan smiled into Phil's hair and closed his eyes. He barely heard the quiet laugh over the hum of the engine before his body decided it needed rest.

 

***

Phil was right about them waking in another state. They had the morning routine down to a science and soon they were swept away to begin preparation for the day. Each venue was a little bit different, different people and different rooms; however, the process was typically the same. Today was a busy day, with a phone meeting scheduled after lunch to review which shows still had tickets and ways to sell them. 

Finishing his less than satisfying meal, Dan reached for his phone and saw his grandma had called him again. Remembering he had set an alarm, Dan searched his phone and saw he had entered the alarm but never turned it on. "What time are they calling us?"

"Somewhere between 1:15 and 1:30." Phil gathered their wrappers and threw it in the bin. It was just past one now. "They are going to ring my phone."

"My grandma called again." Dan looked around the small room the venue had given them for a dressing room. Martyn's backpack was still in the corner. "Is Martyn coming back for the call?"

"No, he wanted some alone time with Cornelia." Phil sat back down on the sofa next to Dan. "My brother gets sexy time on my tour. I don't get sexy time on my tour."

"Oh, hush." Dan looked toward the closed door and then moved so he was straddling Phil's lap. "You act like I'm a fridged wife."

"I haven't had sex in three days." Phil ran his hands up the outside of Dan's thighs and pulled him closer. Dan had never done this in a public place and Phil figured he was going to get all he could before his phone rang, someone knocked on the door, or Dan remembered where they were.

"Oh, you poor, poor baby." Dan prevented Phil from bringing him too close, not trusting himself to resist if they were too much contact. Pressing Phil's shoulders back against the sofa, Dan attacked Phil's mouth and kissed him like a man that hadn't had sex in three days.

All too soon, Phil's phone rang and both pulled themselves away from one another. Taking a few deep breaths and fixing their clothes, both smiled at one another as Phil answered the phone.

 

***

Halfway through the phone meeting, Dan's phone began to vibrate on the small table next to them. Looking at the screen, he became worried when he saw it was his grandma again.

Showing the phone screen to Phil, Phil told him it was okay with his eyes and Dan apologized before removing himself out into the hallway.

"Hello, Grandma. Is everything alright?" Dan caught his reflection in a window and brushed his hand threw his hair a few times to get it to lay straight.

"Hello, Dear. Everything is fine. How are you?" Dan relaxed at the tone of his grandmother's voice, she sounded like she always did when talking to him. Excited and somewhat cheery.

"I'm well, thank you. We've been very busy with the tour, I'm sorry I did not return your call earlier. I had a reminder on my phone but forgot to turn the damn thing on."

"Daniel, I know you are busy and I forgive you. I have something to discuss with you and it is a sensitive matter." His grandmother's tone changed to a more serious one. "Now, before you fret and your anxious mind starts going through scenarios it needn't, just listen to me please."

"I'm listening, Grandma." Dan turned his back away from the reflection and looked down the hallway to see a few people in matching uniforms start to set up the meet and greet area.

"Do you remember your Great Aunt Isla?"

"She married the man you think looks like John Bly."

"Yes. She has a granddaughter that, shall we say, got herself into some trouble with an older boy." His grandmother paused. "Well, she is fifteen and cannot raise a baby. The lad's parents are refusing to acknowledge that the baby will exist and are allowing Arabella to place the child up for adoption."

"That is a very sad story, Grandma. I couldn't imagine having to make that decision at fifteen. At that age, I was such a..." Dan censored himself.

"I'm very well aware of how you were at that age. How many times did you ring begging to move in with me and Granddad back then? 'It's not fair, Grandma. I can't live with these people anymore. They don't understand me.'"

"Stop, that makes me cringe." Dan shivered as the memories came back. He hated his parents, and everyone, back then. Well, everyone but his grandparents. He had the idea that he would move in with them and let his brother have their parents. His grandparents had always "got him" and he loved them for it. "Well, it was great catching up on old times and new gossip, Grandma, but I have to get back to..."

"Daniel, I didn't ring you just to tell you a sad tale. You have grown in many ways and appear very happy with that lad of yours. I think it is time to take on some new responsibilities. The baby would be family." 

Turning his back to the uniform workers, too far away to even hear him anyway, Dan walked further away from them. His grandmother couldn't be suggesting what he thought she was. He was too young to be a parent. They couldn't raise a baby now?

"Daniel, are you still there, Dear?"

"Yes." Dan swallowed loudly.

"Oh, Dear. Did I frighten you?"

"Grandmother, I'm in the middle of a tour. We have plans to tour Europe and maybe Asia or Australia in a few months."

"She is due to have the baby in January if her arithmetics are right. You will be back before then, yes?" 

"Grandma." Dan laughed to himself. This wasn't happening. This was a dream and he couldn't wait to tell Phil about it once he woke up. A baby? Oh, Phil was going to laugh and give him such a strange look for sure.

"I spoke to your Great Aunt Isla about your and Phil's situation and she thought it was a lovely idea."

"Our situation?" Dan saw Phil open the door to their dressing room and look for Dan. Waving at him from the long distance he created, Dan started to walk back from the direction he came.

"I'm no expert on the reproductive system and today's science advances, but it is still not possible for a male to become pregnant. Or did I miss some tweet trend about it."

"I have to go. I need time to think about this. We need time, I mean." Dan slowed his pace as he began to come closer to Phil. "I'll ring you soon."

"Okay, my Dear. If I don't hear from you or you ignore my calls again, I'm just going to ring your lovely lad from now on. He always answers my calls."

"Love you, Grandma." Dan waited for his grandmother's response and ended the call.

"Everyone okay?" Phil asked stepping closer, but not as close as he wanted.

"Yeah, just wanted to check in with me and give me some across the pond gossip." Dan looked past Phil and saw the workers were done setting up. He didn't know why he lied. He needed time to process the call before he shared it with Phil. They didn't have time to properly discuss it now and he just couldn't blurt it out without time to talk about it.

"Frank says that we need to market..."

Dan followed Phil and half listened to the recap from the business call he missed while mentally calculating everything that needed to happen before January. 

 

***

The next night was a hotel stay and everyone gave a quick goodbye to one another before rushing off to their respective rooms.

Phil wheeled his luggage in and waited for Dan to fully enter the room before pressing him back against it, locking them away from the world.

Dan smiled into the kiss at the eagerness of his husband. Phil had been stern last night on the bus and basically threatened to take matters into his own hands if Dan was not willing to help him out. Dan reminded him of the rules and the upcoming hotel stay. How nice it would be to have complete privacy to do whatever they wanted if Phil could just wait a few more hours. Phil whined into Dan's neck and consented to wait.

While Phil watched a film for the tenth time on the bus' small screen, Dan pretended to watch as his mind went back to the conversation he had with his grandmother. He still had not shared the information with Phil. He still did not even know what he felt about the possibility of taking the baby as their own.

"Dan?" Phil stepped back from their kiss and stared at his husband's face confused. "Why did you stop kissing me?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just tired or something." Dan kissed Phil's cheek and moved to step around him. His jumper was half on off and he took it off completely before sitting on the bed closest to the door. Running his hands over his face, Dan sat still.

"Did I do something?" Phil said in a quiet, sad voice that broke Dan's heart. He stayed stood in his spot near the door and when Dan looked up at his broken face he began to tear himself.

"No." Dan shook his head but couldn't find it in himself to stand up. "I'm been in my head a lot for the past few days and I'm sorry. You have done nothing wrong, I promise."

"What did your grandmother tell you that made you get lost in your head?" Phil took off his jacket and sat next to him, reaching for Dan's hand to place into his own.

"She told me some news that I'm trying to sort out." Dan smiled and kissed Phil's cheek and then his lips. "I'm so sorry I made you think you did something."

"Are they ill? I know how close you are with them. If we need to cancel dates to go home, it is not a problem." Phil turned so he sat facing Dan, with one foot on the floor and another pressing against Dan's thigh. "Well, it will be a problem, but not a problem, problem."

"We don't need to cancel dates. Both Grandma and Granddad are well. It is my second cousin, or whatever degree cousin, that is not well." Dan realized how that sounded and started over as he turned to mimic Phil's position. "She is fifteen and pregnant. My grandma was sharing the news and telling me how she and her sister had been talking about us."

"What do we have to do with your second degree pregnant cousin? It is not as if you are the father." Seeing the quick reaction the word caused in Dan's body language, Phil understood. "Oh. Your grandmother wanted to know if we wanted the baby."

"I know we have talked about this later down the line and about surrogacy to have a Little Dan or Little Phil. I don't know what I thought about this. I mean, yes, but now?" Dan looked at Phil in attempt to read his expression or body language, it was rare, but he wasn't able to read him. "What do you think?"

"We are on tour. We are so busy. So busy. When is the baby due? Does she know who the birth father is? Are there any complications? Will she still be apart of the baby's life? Will the birth father? Will everyone in your family know who the birth mother is? Can we do the European tour? Can you travel with a baby? Will we have to move?" Phil shot off each question as it popped into his head. "Oh, Love, this has been going through your head for over a day and you didn't tell me? No wonder you are pushing me away."

"I'm not pushing you away. Not on purpose. I wanted to tell you but how do we have this conversation when there are always people around us? I have never missed our apartment more than right now. I want to stay locked away from the world for a week and just talk to you about this." Dan squeezed Phil's hand harder. "January. She is due in January if everything is as expected."

"We could do January." Phil looked down and to the left, working out their schedule in his head. "We could either quick do the Europe tour or push it back to next year."

"We cannot travel around Europe with an infant, Phil." Dan squeezed Phil's hand one more time before standing to turn on some lights and settle into the room more. "Everything will change. Everything. Are we ready for everything to change?"

Watching Dan move around the room, Phil sat dumbfounded. Everything was a lot. But, it was Dan and him. Standing to kick off his shoes and sit with his back to the headrest, Phil smiled to himself. Dan sat down on the other side next to him and Phil turned to face him. "Try new things?"

"Are you saying we should apply 'try new things' to raising a baby?" Dan laughed at his husband as he saw him nod his head. "But what about..."

"We will sort it out." Phil smiled and reached for Dan's hand again. "I have kept most of my plants alive. The Tamagotchi died because I forgot about it but I'm sure babies are louder than a Tamagotchi."

"That is so reassuring that you have kept plants alive." Dan smiled back and moved so he was next to Phil. Placing his head on his shoulder, Dan pouted as a thought occurred to him. "We can't get a dog now."

"Kids love dogs." Phil kissed the top of Dan's head and snuggled in closer. "We just have to wait until she is old enough to feed it and clean up after it herself."

"We are having a daughter now?"

"Didn't you already name her once? Madalyn, Mads for short?" Phil smiled at the memory. It almost seemed like a lifetime ago now.

"Mads Lester. Mads Howell. Mads Howell-Lester." Dan shook his head. "She sounds like a comic book villain."

"Our comic book villain. With her trusty sidekick, Zach." Phil's smile grew. "I'm naming the dog. You named the baby."

"I think we are getting ahead of ourselves here." Dan sat up and attempted to convert time zones as he reached for his phone. "It is too late to call Grandma. We need more information. We need to speak with Arabella and her parents. We can't name a baby that isn't ours yet."

"Shhh." Phil pulled Dan back down to his spot from before. "We have time to sort this out."

Both sat in silence as they processed the information until Phil was reminded of another fact. "Do you think we can hide a baby from them?" 

 


	2. Power

It took two grandmothers coordinating schedules for a week to find a time that would match to allow a proper conversation via Skype. In that week, Dan and Phil had many conversations about their decision and researched many websites attempting to gather more information on the adoption process. When they were around other people, they reverted to texting each other messages to continue the conversation in private.

Phil, being Phil, accidentally selected the next person on his message list and sent his brother a link to an adoption agency specializing in family adoptions. After a very awkward text conversation with Martyn, Phil stretched his arms above his head and decided it was time to tell his parents. 

Dan was cautious and decided he was going to wait until after the Skype call to inform his parents of the possible adoption.

Brushing his hair to the side and making a sound of disgust, Dan shook out his hair and attempted again to make it look somewhat decent. Messing with his hair was a habit he automatically went to when there was a camera in front of him. They had the day off and were out having lunch before their scheduled call. When they were out, it started to drizzle and Dan was annoyed that his hair was failing him at such an important time.

"Arabella. Mora. Sherwin." Phil brought the hotel chair closer to the office chair Dan was sat in as he went through the list of names again. "Does this look weird?"

"Our setup?" Dan gestured to the laptop sat on top of the office table in their standard American hotel room. There were two beds in the background. Another habit they developed over the years. "Come closer so you will be more in frame."

"Dan, I have been doing this long enough to know how to get into frame." Phil grabbed Dan's left arm and wrapped it around his own to stop him from messing with his hair. "Stop fidgeting with your hair."

"We shouldn't have said we could do a Skype call on a day when it was going to rain." Dan smiled at Phil and kissed his cheek right under his eye. After seven years of being next to him, Dan loved how he still felt the rush whenever they were close. "I love you."

"I love you." Phil gave him a quick kiss and when recited their names again.

***

"I believe we will have to go through an adoption agency even though we are family. From our research, we would have to be closer related to complete one on our own. We have a lawyer in London looking into the procedure. Do you have a lawyer?" Dan pulled on Phil's arm as he continued his rapid speech. "Do you want to have contact with the child once it is born?"

"I don't know." Arabella looked down and then to her parents, which sat to her left. "I'm still trying to sort this out in my head. Grandma said you were family and would be able to raise the baby. I want to keep the baby but John will not even look at me and I still need to finish school."

"We are willing to allow contact and updates if you want. Just, you would have to understand that we would be the parents and have the final decision on matters." Phil wiggled his fingers in an attempt to get blood flowing again, with Dan's grip on his forearm starting to hurt. "We would be open with the child about the adoption and who you are."

"I..." Arabella went silent.

"This is a lot for her to process right now. This is a lot for us to process." Sherwin looked to his wife and continued after she gave him a brief nod. "We have been talking about raising the baby ourselves. We don't know if it would be best for Arie to be around the baby that much though. We want her to have a childhood and have a chance at becoming a proper adult before she has to make these sort of decisions."

"We honestly didn't see this happening for ourselves right now. We decided on children long ago, but we figured it would be later too." Dan tapped on Phil's arm to silently communicate he was confused. He did not expect the conversation to go the way it was and he was becoming frustrated at himself for even allowing himself to become so invested without speaking with them properly first.

"Dan's grandmother said there was a possibility and we fell in love with the idea. If you don't want to place the child up for adoption, please tell us now." Phil squeezed Dan's arm three times and brushed his foot against Dan's. Another habit they had developed over time, silent body movements that spoke what they couldn't at the moment due to the camera. "We don't want to take a child that will be loved from its family, but you have to be frank with us. If this is not going to happen or you are not 100% sure, we cannot handle the back and forth. If you need time, tell us now and not six months from now when we have a name and a room."

"I want to think about it more." Arabella turned her shoulder away from the camera and toward her parents. In a tearful, quiet voice, she continued, "I still need to talk to John. He could still change his mind."

"I hope you do not feel as though we have wasted your time." Sherwin spoke as his wife comforted his daughter off camera. "Let us sort this out more and then we will contact you. We have your information."

"Okay." Phil said their goodbye and then both sat staring at the blank screen after Arabella's father ended the call. 

Releasing Phil's arm, Dan stood and opened the door to the outside. Hunching over so he was leaning against the railing, much too low to the ground for his height, Dan looked out to the damp parking lot. Most of the vehicles that were there this morning were gone, off to the next destination.

Almost bumping into a cleaning lady, Phil apologized and smiled at her before stepping back into the room to allow her to pass them. Standing next to Dan, he oriented himself to the parking lot and waited. The conversation was still going through his head and he wondered if they could have made a better impression. Did they scare them away? Were they too eager? Not eager enough? 

"I knew that might happen but I guess I didn't want to believe it was a possibility." Dan let out a weak laugh as he stood to his full height and found a bird in the distance to watch. "We are in America in the middle of a tour and I'm fixated on contacting lawyers to arrange an adoption from some cousin I last saw when she was probably three-years-old. And now, she barely looks old enough to babysit a child let alone complete an act to create one. What is this?"

"I didn't know I wanted it so bad until it was offered to us either." Phil swiped the immediate area with his eyes, and then moved closer to his husband. "If this doesn't work out, we have time to properly looked into this and decided what we want. Surrogacy is still a preferred option and from what I have seen, it is almost as complicated as adoption, if not more so. We will have time to plan and consult lawyers. We could focus our attention on completing the tours and then planning this out." 

"I started a wish list on Amazon." Dan kicked a small rock into the bush below them and kept his eyes down.

"I know. I found it." Phil brushed his hand across Dan's shoulders and jumped slightly when he suddenly had Dan wrapped around him in a tight hug. The chance of someone seeing that would care was rare, but they never took chances like this in public. Touch was saved for privacy and was one of the most important habits they had developed over the years. So much so, that it was second nature to them now. 

"You are breaking a rule." Phil wrapped his arms just as tight around Dan and stepped further into the hug. The touch was calming and both needed it.

***

Two weeks later, they were nearing the end of the tour and exhaustion and homesickness was setting in hard.

Checking his phone after the show, Dan let out a sound that altered three stage hands and Phil from across the way.

Smiling at Phil, Dan let out a sound of relief. "They are in. All in."

 


	3. Heartless

The next few weeks were a blur of the same in different cities. In their spare time, the two continued to research family member adoptions, gay adoptions, birth parents' rights, sleep training, the best parenting practices and the best childproofing devices on the market. Their solicitor referred them to an adoption specialist and offered, on Dan and Phil's behalf, to pay for separate a solicitor services for Arabella and her parents. Both Dan and Phil wanted to do something for the family; however, they were advised that they could not be too generous with money otherwise it might be seen as if they were purchasing the baby from a minor. In the end, their solicitor advised them to offer to pay for legal services and any added expenses due to the pregnancy.

Phil's mother had the best reaction to the news, with their Skype call filled with excited tears. His mother went speechless and then full on sobfest when she made the connection from the baby trainers Phil held up on the screen. Phil wished he could have been there to share the news with her considering the state he put her in, but they were still on tour and he couldn't wait any longer. In the end, all of their parents had joyous reactions to the news and wished the boys the best of luck.

The idea was still a bit surreal for them. Both Phil and Dan continued to add to the Amazon baby wish list, with truly needed to completely outlandish items added daily. It was decided that the baby would receive Phil's room once it was old enough to have its own room and then they would likely move once the child was old enough to need more space.

"Dan, look at this!" Phil shouted across the hotel room.

Toweling off his damp hair, Dan walked out of the bathroom and side-eyed Phil lying on the bed. "If it is another plushie, the baby does not need another one. She will suffocate, Phil. Suff-o-cate."

"Shut up." Phil moved his arm out so Dan would cuddle up to him and see the item on the screen. They had both added plushies to the list; however, Phil seemed to be the one that added the most. Ignoring the wet patch he would have on his shoulder from Dan, Phil clicked to zoom in on the item. "It is a star light projection lamp to lull the baby to sleep. We need one of these."

"Correction: You want one of them. Do we really want to overstimulate the baby at bedtime?" Dan burrowed into Phil's neck and closed his eyes. He was exhausted and wanted to sleep for the next week. Yawning, Dan squeezed his arm wound Phil's waist. "The sleep training site said keep it simple."

"We can debate this later." Phil added the item and set his laptop to the side of the bed. Squeezing Dan's bare back just as tight, he looked down and smiled as Dan had himself fully curled around him. "Early to bed?"

"I want home bed and home schedule." Dan lifted Phil's shirt to curl his hand up Phil's lower back. "I want home privacy."

"I know." Phil looked to the lights left on in the room and then back down to his husband. "I need all of my limbs to turn off the lights."

Giving a sound of protest, Dan detached himself from Phil and got up with him to turn the lights off. Meeting each other back on the bed, they assumed the same position, just with both of them laid on the bed. With the tour and having so many people around them at all times, they found any alone time was spent attached to each other. It was a way to relax and reconnect after the stress of constantly being aware of every action they had around one another. In their flat, they could have as much cuddle time as they wished but the tour was completely different. Exciting in many ways but challenging in others.

After a moment of silence, Dan tapped Phil's bare back and asked him why he was thinking too hard.

"I had the dream again last night."

"Phil, it is not an omen." Dan let out a sigh and gave three kisses to his neck before burrowing back into his chest/shoulder area.

"Just, I dream things that come true sometimes." Phil looked toward the line of light shown on the ceiling from the hotel window. It was distracting but would be too much effort to get up to close the curtain fully.

"Phil, our daughter will not hate you and you will not drop her." Dan sat up to lean over Phil so they were eye to eye. "She will love you and want your attention as much as mine. You would never drop her."

"Dan, I have dropped everything that I have come in contact with at least once. It is a joke but it is funny because it is also true." Wrapping his hand around Dan's forearm, Phil pulled him back to him. "Babies cry around me. They can sense my fear that I will drop them. They are like dogs like that."

"Phil." Dan kissed his cheek and then forehead. "You will not hurt our baby. She will not cry because she is around you. She will cry for you and know that you will always protect her."

"Why do you keep calling the baby a girl?" Phil attempted to distract the conversation away from his fear. "Arabella doesn't know what the sex is."

"I had a dream." Dan smiled down to Phil and then remembered he couldn't see him without his glasses. "I'm smiling BTW and teasing you." 

"Our baby's first words are going to be text speech, isn't it?" Phil pulled him down for the final time and cuddled him close. "Never mind, sleep perchance to dream a new dream."

***

After completing the tour and setting back into their flat, both focused on adding a few videos to quench the twisty subscribers that suffered through the drought of the tour.

It was arranged to have a meeting with Arabella and her parents, both solicitors and the adoption service. The final details of the adoption were to be decided and everything was to be planned up until the birth. The contract gave Arabella 24 hours following the birth to make her final decision regarding the adoption. After the 24 hours, if everyone was still on board, then Dan and Phil would officially become the baby's legal parents. Arabella and her parents would be allowed photos and Skype calls if they so wished, as well as at least once per year visitations with the baby. The baby's father would also be allowed the same provisions if he so wished to acknowledge the baby's existence.

Dan and Phil were the last to arrive to Arabella's family home. Phil gave the distant cousins a quick hug in greeting and Dan gave both of Arabella's parents a firm handshake.

After settling everyone into the family room, Arabella's father left the group to formally introduce themselves to one another and eat the snacks provided as he went to tell Arabella that everyone was ready. She had told her parents she was tired from the pregnancy and doctor's visit from the morning, with a quick kip needed before her guests arrived.

Finding her room empty, Arabella's father searched the other rooms of the house and then the outside before returning with a picture of the sonogram.

"I'm so sorry. She is gone." Sherwin handed the sonogram to Phil and then took a sit next to his wife. "Her things are gone as well."

"What does this mean?" Dan asked staring at the tan toned 3D picture of the baby. She looked so real and so small.

"I don't know." Arabella's mother looked to the attorneys, the adoption worker and then her husband. "She kept talking about John this morning and how he would change his mind if only he saw the picture of her."

"Mora, if she wants to keep the baby, again, tell us now." Dan squeezed Phil's knee and looked away from the baby's perfect face to Mora. Her perfect face as he remembered what Mora had said.

"She is still so young and she believes them to be in love. Emotions are so intense at that age." Mora saw the disappointment on their face and hated that her daughter had hurt them. "I don't know. I really don't know."

 


	4. Stronger

Arabella was gone.

The baby was gone.

The idea was gone.

The first half of the car ride home was in silence. After twenty minutes of driving, Dan pulled the rented car to the side of the road and turned to Phil. "I cannot do this anymore. I cannot have my heart broken like this again. This is the universe or God or something telling us that this baby is not meant for us. I want to tell them we cannot take the baby. I want you to agree with me on this. Do you agree? We cannot do this, right?"

"We cannot do this." Phil took Dan's hand in his and squeezed it three times. Studying Dan's face, Phil saw how his eyes were redder than usual and he looked distraught. "This whole process has shown me that I want a baby in our lives. Maybe it isn't Arabella's baby that is meant for us."

"Surrogacy? Adoption through an agency? Find another underage minor and ask for her baby?" Dan squeezed Phil's hand back and pulled him closer. Phil smiled a sad smile as Dan pulled him even closer. "I want this now so much. I'm disappointed but we cannot take Arabella's baby after all this. Clearly she wants to keep the baby and despite her parents' wishes, I could never take a baby knowing the mother wants to keep it."

"We will ring her parents when we get home and tell them. It is decided." Phil leaned forward to give Dan a quick kiss. "Now, drive us home and we can chat about our options."

Pulling back into disperse traffic, they went through all their options and decided surrogacy was their preferred method. They would be able to choose the surrogate and manage the pregnancy from conception to delivery. No more surprises or parents' rights or parents changing their minds to consider. Maybe adoption would be an option later down the line to revisit, but neither wanted to take the chance that another mother, or father, would change their mind.

***

Arabella's parents understood their position and apologized again for the trouble. Arabella had been found, safe and healthy at John's house. After a heart-to-heart with John's parents, Arabella and John decided they wished to keep the baby and Arabella's parents would take custody of the child until both teenagers were older and established. As for the money, Arabella's parents offered to pay Dan and Phil back; however, both agreed the money was an early birthday present for the baby and all they wished for was a picture of the baby once it was born. 

***

Dan's grandmother apologized for ages, attempting to take responsibility for the unforeseeable course of events. Dan switched the call to speaker and had Phil reassure her as well that there was no ill will. Phil then quickly changed the topic to surrogacy and how the Arabella baby situation prompted them to speed up their family planning. 

"Phil, how will that work?" Dan's grandmother paused after apologizing again and realized what was said. "Do you have a woman in mind?"

"We would likely go through an agency to find a surrogate. It would be awkward to ask any of our female friends." Phil smiled as he thought of asking any of his female friends to carry their baby and then go through the birthing process. Some of their friends might even request to vlog the experience. 

"I saw a film about this, oh, what was it called?" Dan's grandmother paused again. "It was with two funny ladies and one urinates in the sink."

"Grandma, it will not be like Baby Mama." Dan laughed as he laid his head against Phil's shoulder and brought the phone with them as they lied together on the sofa, Phil flat on his back with one foot on the floor and Dan rested fully on the sofa and half on Phil. The sun was setting and the room was progressively becoming darker. "We would screen the potential surrogates and go through a professional agency that runs checks on those sorts of things."

"What about your internet business? Would she be a part of your channels?"

"Our surrogate process will not be included in our content. It doesn't exactly fit either of our channels." Dan looked up quickly to catch Phil's eyes in the darkening room and shook his head at the absurdity of the statement. 

"I think it would be a lovely addition to your content. Dan and Phil Make A Baby. Dan and Phil's Baby Creating. Oh, there has to be some catchy title in there somewhere, don't you agree, Phil?"

"I, I, oh, I, Dan, what do you think?" Phil stuttered over his words not able to process the information quickly enough.

"Grandma, I love you, but you are completely off of your head. Our subscribers do not know we are married yet alone together, despite their theories. And both of those titles would get us flagged or banned." Dan shook his head against Phil's chest as he spoke. Deciding the conversation had reached its natural end, Dan switched topics. "Grandma, we need to make dinner. Give Granddad our love." 

***

While making dinner, Phil brought up the concept again. "She is not completely off her head, you know. We could film it and post it as a side channel. 'Surprise! Don't Have a Heart Attack and All Collectively Die Because We Need the Views, But We Are Together and Want To Make a Baby.' Working title in process, oh course."

"You have gone off too then." Dan reached around Phil to grab a wooden spoon to stir their noodles. "We cannot put this on the internet. What about the baby? She grows up to hate us because her life is not her own anymore and we made the decision for her before she could even speak to consent to the idea? She is going to have enough bother being raised by the pair of us."

"She is not a she yet. Always with the female pronouns." Phil shook in some seasoning to flavor the meat in a separate pan next to the noodles Dan was stirring. "Maybe not filming the baby but the process. It is educational and a topic that people are interested in nowadays. Even your grandmother knew about Baby Mama. We could be opening a door for...I don't know what but it would be a door. We should research to see if anyone has put this online yet. The whole process, I mean."

"Phil, we are not exposing ourselves and our future child, be it male or female, to the masses." Turning off his burner, Dan used their kitchen mitt to pick up the pot and strain the contents into the colander in the sink. "I'm not comfortable with that and I'm shocked that you are."

Stepping slightly to the side, Phil continued to stir the meat as Dan poured over the noodles. "Maybe I'm just thinking out loud. Maybe I'm off my head. Maybe I'm a business man looking for our next adventure."

"Our next adventure is continuing to conquer the world. Did Frank email you back about Australia?" Dan sidestepped the conversation as they continued to ready their meal.

***

The surrogacy agency sent over information about the process and the cost associated with service. They were not completely taken aback about the cost; however, they were a bit overwhelmed with the process itself. Four separate packets were mailed to them, each around fifty pages a piece.

"Are we sure we cannot just put our little men into a dish and impregnate one of our female friends?" Phil looked through the extensive packet of information in front of him as they both sat on the sofa. "We have both slept with a woman, we could just do it again. For science, I mean."

"I am not allowing you to have sex with another person and, frankly, after being with you for so long, the thought of having sex with someone else frightens me." Dan continued to flip through the pages of information in his packet. 

"What?" Phil snickered and bumped Dan's shoulder with his own. "Care to explain that comment? I don't know if I should be offended or even more in love with you."

"I know what you like and how you will respond if I do something." Running his finger up Phil's thigh, Dan turned slightly toward Phil and lapped gently at a spot on his neck right above the collar of his shirt. "I know that if I meow at you or purr, you will understand I mean 'I love you.'"

"I don't know if I fully understand. Can you explain it more?" Phil smiled and used his hand to keep Dan's hand pressed hard against his crotch. Dan continued to lick at his neck and he felt his whole body warm in response.

"With someone else, I would panic wondering if I could kiss them or touch them. It is so awkward learning another person's body and feeling confident enough to show yourself to them. I'm comfortable with you. I forgot what it is like to be with anyone else, but I do remember no one else made me feel loved like you. No one else knows me like you. I don't want anyone else to know me and I certainly do not want anyone else to know you." Dan pushed aside the information packets and unzipped Phil's pants. Detaching himself from Phil's neck, Dan lowered himself to the floor and sat in between Phil's legs as he pulled his jeans off completely and spread his legs further. Nuzzling his head against Phil's boxer covered erection, Dan increased his purrs and mouthed his dick through the cloth as Phil encouraged him by running his hands through Dan's hair and pulling just enough to cause a small amount of pain.

Removing Phil's boxers, Dan gave his erection the same attention his neck received earlier. 


	5. Love Lockdown

"Did you see this?" Phil walked into Dan's room while he was editing. "We are not the parents until at least six weeks following birth! And the surrogate can keep the baby legally if she wants because she would be the legal parent! And if she is married, her husband is listed as the legal father!"

"Yes, I saw it in, well, the packet that you are holding right now." Dan turned quickly and then went back to his video. "It also says that it is extremely rare that a surrogate has kept the baby and it is a general legal process to give us the parental order. The parental order would start the process of making us the legal parents. Also, we can get a....parental responsibility form to help with the process."

"Only if she is not married or a lesbian and not in a civil partnership! Dan, we have no control in this. Legally, we are nothing to the baby even if they use our DNA. And then we have to go to court for the parental order and be interviewed! And we need Wills in case one of us dies during the pregnancy! And we need to make sure she has a Will that says we get the child in case she dies during pregnancy or before the parental order goes through the court. And life insurance for her in case she dies at any point before we are the legal parents. And we need to be in a stable, long-term relationship!" Phil stood near the bed while he read off each item, slowing rocking his body back and forth. "Dan, we cannot do this. Can't we just name a few plants and get a dog? You don't need to get life insurance on a dog. Our luck would have it that we would get a surrogate that kidnaps our baby and names it Phan."

"Phil. Phil, look at me." Dan stood and gently took both of Phil's forearms but did not prevent him from rocking. It was quirk that Phil used to help regulate himself during moments of panic and it usually worked well for him. Once Phil looked up from the packet, Dan smiled at him and waited a minute for Phil to register he was near. "I need you to listen to me."

Phil slowed his rocking and gave Dan a slow nod to show he was listening.

"We are going to find a great and loving surrogate that has a family of her own and only wants to help us out. Yes, it well be a bit complicated given our situation and career paths; however, she is not going to steal the baby from us. And we will get to keep the baby forever after some legal proceedings. Our baby, Phil. Ours." Dan took the packet from Phil and set it on the bed. "We are going to be little social butterflies and post on the online communities until we find someone we click with. Then we are going to meet the person in real life and make something wonderful. If you think about it, it is very fitting for our story."

"Internet stalker is your claim to fame, not mine." Phil stepped closer and rested his head on Dan's shoulder, suddenly exhausted.

***

After many phone calls and email exchanges through their solicitors and the surrogate agency, there was a potential surrogate identified that fit their criteria. She was married with three children of her own, educated in the surrogacy process, and had been the surrogate for intended parents once before. She was willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement and meet with them to discuss the process. It was illegal to accept payment for the service she was providing; however, she was asking that Dan and Phil pay all reasonable expenses relating to the pregnancy, including loss of work hours due to medical issues. It was arranged that they would meet at Dan and Phil's solicitors' office, with Dan and Phil providing a light meal for their meeting.

The surrogate reported that she did not know of Dan and Phil, with her job and children keeping her quite busy throughout the day and night. She did recognize their name from an advert for the BBC1; however, she had no previous interest in them and knew very little about their situation. She stated that she had been the surrogate for a gay couple before as well and felt immense joy knowing that she had helped them create a family they would have normally not been able to have due to biology restrictions.

"We understand that it might be a process to convince. We plan to use donor eggs and alternate sperm. We are not bond by financial restraints and plan on continuing until there is a viable fetus. Given our method, there is a possibility of a multiple birth. We are not thrilled at the idea of more than one baby at once; however, we are opposed to...well, not using all of our embryos." Dan spoke for the pair as they sat around a small, circular table. Both Dan and Phil had their food sat untouched, both too nervous to eat. Looking to Phil, Dan smiled. "We have been talking about this for so long, it is surreal that it is finally happening."

"Thom and Jeremy, the intended parents from my previous surrogacy, were so nervous at the first meeting that Jeremy just stared at me and Thom vomited into a potted plant." Stephanie smiled and bit into her sandwich. Covering her mouth to chew, she continued, "They thought I was going to turn them away after that horrible first meeting, but I was committed to giving them a family. I'm committed here as well. I'm in if you are in."

"Do you have questions for us?" Phil pushed around the food on his plate, his stomach too uneasy to eat. "We have an internet business. We post videos online and have a flat in London. Not sex videos, if you thought that. We have a following of subscribers that can be very...passionate at times. We do not share everything with them. In fact, we do not plan on sharing any of this with them until much later, if at all. The non-disclosure statement stipulates that you are not to sell the information of the pregnancy to anyone and you are not to share who you are carrying the baby for to anyone either. It might seem extreme but we value our privacy very much and we do not want anything to get leaked. Also, it would be a safety concern for you and your family. Not from us, mind you. Our subscribers are cleaver and some of the more...passionate among them find things out and attempt to use such information to..."

"I do not have any interest in telling anyone who the intended parents are outside of my husband. He is my best friend and I do not keep secrets from him. I'm sure he will sign the arrangement as well." Stephanie took the last bite of her food. "I'm not going to keep the baby either. Thom and Jeremy fretted over this for the whole pregnancy. We are not entering into a legally enforceable arrangement, but I honor my commitments. I have three beautiful children on my own and, frankly, I cannot give more of my time to another creature. I do not mind keeping in touch following the birth and transfer of parental rights; however, I understand that this is your baby and I'm just the prenatal host."

"That is reassuring." Dan squeezed Phil's thigh under the table. "What is your schedule like for the next nine months to a year?"

"I have a full time position at a university. I'm a professor of law. My children are nine, seven and five; yes, I planned that. My husband is also a professor, he teaches engineering. I live just outside of London and have my own private obstetrician and midwife I have used for all my pregnancies. I would expect you to cover the cost for private care and travel to appointments. I would like you to meet both my obstetrician and midwife and attend appointments with me. Jenny, my midwife, fancied Jeremy and I believe she would just adore you, Phil."

"We would like to be at all appointments. Just inform Jenny that Dan has a jealous side and he will likely take offense to overt flirting." Phil directed his smile to Stephanie and then Dan, with an added eye raise to Dan.

"So it is settled." Stephanie looked to the food on the counter near them. "Do I see cakes? Do we get cakes?"

***

The whole process was unbelievably quick and Stephanie was pregnant on their first attempt, with one embryo fully attached from the three used. Dan had been the lucky winner of the name pick for the first attempt at conception, with Phil stating he was happy their child could potentially get curls and dimples rather than sunburns and lactose intolerance. Dan informed him that a little redheaded and freckled girl named Mads would be the most adorable thing ever and their next child would be from Phil's DNA.

Doctor appointments were a field of questions from Dan and Phil, with Jenny smiling at the beginning of each appointment and automatically asking them what was on their mind after their second visit. There was so many interesting facts about pregnancy and the effects on body that both fascinated and shocked the men. The pregnancy was going as planned, with the baby and mother both healthy and progressing well.

Following the completion of their world tour, Dan and Phil began their secret side project to document the pregnancy process. Phil made sure to film something at least each week, with Phil selling the idea to Dan as a video diary for their child and possible footage for a documentary of sorts.

"Day 140, Week...20 of pregnancy. You are about the side of a cantaloupe and about 0.46 kilograms according to the internet, the tool both of your parents use to get information. You are growing and will soon be with us. Your Daddy has started decorating your room. I hope you enjoy Winnie the Pooh. It was either that or Star Wars. You don't live here yet, but you will soon. I already said soon twice, maybe I will edit that out. I told Dan...your Daddy, that I was not going to edit this because I wanted it to be real. I edit videos for a living. It is easy to tell the story you want to tell with a few pauses here and jump cuts there. The internet, the information tool I was talking about before, says that your Daddy and me are roommates. Don't always trust the internet."

"Hi you, are you done talking to the camera?" Dan called up the stairs to their office area. He had changed out of his furniture moving clothes and into his standard outside wear. "It is time to go."

"Dan, I helped you move furniture and I don't even care if the cot has to face due west or the baby will have a bad first day of school. You can wait two minutes while I finish my video log for the day. Our child will appreciate it more than a well organized room." Phil stood from his spot, the camera already off. Walking down the short set of stairs, he tripped on the last step and fell into Dan. "Uh. Sorry."

"You know, the first few times you fell into me like that, I thought you were flirting with me. Now, I understand how uncoordinated you are and I want those lovely thoughts I had about you taken back." Dan helped Phil straighten himself and then kissed his forehead. "Ready to venture out into the wild?"

"Do we have to meet with this therapist? I don't trust people who analyze every movement or thing you say." Phil frowned as he removed himself from Dan and continued down to their outside door. Grabbing his coat on the way, Phil continued, "Why do we have to go to them? The internet has video therapists!"

"We do not have to go to a therapist; however, it is recommended and a great card to use if anyone questions our commitment to the child and our life together." Dan pulled the final door shut and took out his phone to check the directions again. The therapist was about 30 minutes away by the Underground.

"I don't want to lie on a couch and talk about my mother issues." Phil whined slightly as he followed Dan. The weather was turning cold and he wanted to go back inside.

"When we will talk about mine. Lord knows I have so much to talk to a therapist about." Dan smiled to Phil and bumped his shoulder. Keeping closer than he ever would have six months ago, Dan felt an overwhelming since of confidence and wrapped his hand around Phil's.

Looking down to their jointed hands, Phil smiled at the small gesture. They had never held hands so openly before and he found he liked the boldness of the action.

 


	6. Everything I Am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note: The information provided in this chapter is completely the author's opinion and, while based on some factual information, is all part of a make-believe world with two real people as the main characters. 
> 
> The information provided by the fictional therapist is not a substitute for mental health services. If you believe you need help due to mental health concerns, please contact your local resources. Help erase the stigma surrounding mental health treatment.

After waiting in the empty waiting room for a few minutes, Dr. Ember ushered them into his office with a friendly introduction. Ember's office was nicely decorated, with two large plants in opposite corners, one large sofa and an oversized leather chair. Beside the two degrees on the wall and his license credentials, there was a large abstract painting behind the sofa that seemed to move with the vibrant brushstrokes.

Eyeing the sofa, Phil bumped into Dan's side and rose an eyebrow at him.

Brushing off the answer to the argument they had on the way over to the therapist's office, refusing to acknowledge that Phil had won the 'the office is going to have a Freud sofa,' Dan sat on the sofa. Dan rolled his eyes when Phil sat on the opposite end of the furniture, figuring he would not be comfortable enough around the new person to sit closer to his husband.

"I always like to introduce myself a bit when I meet new clients." Dr. Ember sat in the leather chair near the sofa and alternated looking at either side to catch Dan's and Phil's eyes. "I have been working in the field of family and marriage counseling for sixteen years. I married my partner officially in 2014; however, we had a non-legal marriage service twelve years ago. We have two children, one through surrogacy and another through adoption. I love my career and am eager to learn more about you. In the spirit of full disclosure, I have some knowledge of who you are. My niece is slightly infatuated with you and has spoke of you before. I have seen a few of your videos. I did sign the non-disclosure statement provided by your solicitors; however, I will also state that client-therapist confidentiality does apply as well. There are limits to the confidentiality terms which supersede your non-disclosure statement. I am required to report the suggested abuse or neglect of a child or vulnerable adult, and in doing so, may have to release some of your information for the report. Also, if a court contacts me, I may be obligated to release private information as required. I do not share information with anyone else without a release of information form. I do not plan on telling my niece you are my clients. I do not plan on writing a book about the information you provide to me here. I'm also not here to give you information on how to do the same things my partner and I have done with our marriage and family. I received the paperwork packet you were given in the post, with both of your signatures on the disclosure agreement. Do either of you have any questions regarding the limits of confidentiality or my role in your counseling services?"

"How old are your children?" Dan gave a slight smile as he asked, looking down as he blushed. He had been studying Dr. Ember a little bit too closely throughout his speech. Dr. Ember was fit and appeared to be in his early thirties; however, with the information he provided, he had to be closer to early forties.

"Frank is six and June will be four soon. Frank was born through surrogacy and June was adopted when she was 18 months old. She was removed from her biological parents due to neglect and she has some developmental delays due to prenatal substance exposure. She has made great strides since she has been in our care; however, Harvey and I never imagined something so small could be so much work. Any other questions?"

"How does this work?" Phil looked to Dr. Ember and then away. He regretted sitting so far away from Dan but felt it would look odd if he moved now. Instead, he fiddled with his scarf and shook his right foot. "Do we just talk or is there some...I don't know. Do you just ask us questions?"

"My theoretical framework, which is a very fancy way of saying style and approach to therapy, is client directed. We can discuss what you wish to discuss and there does not have to be formal structure. If I feel you both have no topics of discussion, then I might inquire about something specific in your relationship or I might ask more in-depth questions based off the topic at hand." Dr. Ember took in the nervous fidgeting and decided it was time for the first question. "Do you generally fidget this much around new people or is it that you found you sat too far away from Dan?"

Phil looked to Dan with slight panic on his face. He knew the therapist was going to ask these sort of questions and Phil did not feel comfortable enough to answer them yet. He barely knew the person and he did not offer information about himself likely.

Dan, sensing his discomfort, stood and moved to sit next to Phil, who sat furthest away from the therapist. Taking Phil's hand in his, he squeezed it three times and then directed his attention back to Dr. Ember. "We both had learned to share only the edges of our relationship and selves. This is completely uncomfortable for the both of us. Not that we believe there is something wrong with our marriage or decision to bring children into our lives, or that we have something to hide, just we have learned that allowing others to know information makes us very vulnerable."

"Therapy is a place where you are allowed to be vulnerable with no judgment and no negative impact on your relationships outside these walls. I have been a therapist for many years; I have heard about everything there is to know about marriage, sex and how children change the dynamics of a relationship. I know we have just met and we will need to build trust; however, I can assure you, I make no judgments and only wish to help guide you through this process of your lives right now. My goal for you is to explore all the possibilities and provided you with information on what to expect from the surrogacy process and the addition of a child into your marriage. I do not preach or lecture. I listen and teach you to navigate your own lives."

"Dan and I are not use to being open with our relationship. There are a handful of people that know we are married, there are even fewer who know we are expecting a child soon. Since the day we met, Dan and I have not had any issues with the relationship between us. We have had issues from others and how they choose to use the information they learn about us." Phil squeezed Dan's hand three times in reply to his squeeze. It was something they had developed over the years. Three squeezes to say "I love you" when words were not needed or could not be spoken. In fact, neither had spoken to the other about the squeezes, the meaning was just implied. 

"We are here to show the court that we are committed to having a child and we are capable of raising a child. I know with Phil by my side, I am immensely better equipped to handle the stress of parenthood. We work very well together and always have. It is completely cheese ball, but we are better as two than one and we are meant to be with one another. He steals my cereal, sleeps though the Amazon deliveries, and leaves his socks lying all over our flat, but it is such a small price to pay to live with someone who completely understands you and can anticipate your needs before you even realize them. Call it soulmates or fate, we are destined to be together and we are destined to bring children into this world. We are ready."

"I do not doubt your love for one another or your commitment to parenthood. We are here to explore any pitfalls that may come your way, for there are bound to be many during the first year or so of parenthood. It is implied that you will make mistakes and become frustrated, it is part of the learning curve. My job is to make the transition smoother. I do sense a need to defend your marriage and your commitment to raising a child. Is this self-directed or are there some outside forces making you question your marriage and ability to raise children?" Dr. Ember wrote down a few notes to review later.

"We have millions of subscribers between the pair of us and the internet can be harsh. We are programmed to defend ourselves, I suppose." Dan continued to speak for the pair, allowing Phil to process the information. "In the beginning of our relationship, it took our families a minutes to sort the news. Well, maybe more so my family rather than Phil's. I was younger than Phil. I met him in person when I was eighteen, but I had been following him for awhile and we spoke on the internet for ages before meeting. But, like I said, we work well together and have never had any major arguments. We have spoke of children throughout our relationship, with the idea of allowing our careers to continue to expand and then adding in children. My grandmother called me a few months ago and asked if we wanted to adopt a child from our underage family member. The mother was reluctant to agree to the adoption and it all fell through, which was heartbreaking because we had invested so much into the idea. We decided on surrogacy after that; however, we did not realize how much control the surrogate mother has in the...transaction. She could keep the baby if she so desired, even though she has no biological DNA connected to the child. Stephanie is amazing and we have grown to trust her, but the thought is still in my head that it is all going to go to shit."

"Dan, language." Phil squeezed his hand once and gave his a side-eyed glance. It was not polite to curse in front of people you had just met, his mother taught him that years ago.

"While I understand your reprimand, I encourage the use of all language in here. Language is a tool of expression and sometimes a good curse word can express more than a hundred words." Dr. Ember wrote another note for review and shifted slightly in his chair. "Many couples go into surrogacy believing they have more control than they do. I have heard of some rare cases where the surrogate has issues parting with the child; however, I have not heard any cases where the court did not rule in favorite of the intended parents or biological parent. You have mentioned control multiple times so far. How do you feel you will manage the parenting of the child? Do both of you intend to be the disciplinarian? Do you have a plan for when you disagree on what to do with the child? What were your experiences in your childhoods?" 

Dr. Ember continued gathering information on the couple and their intention with the surrogacy, with both Dan and Phil quickly feeling they could express themselves openly with the therapist. Phil spoke up more and more as the hour went on, with Phil slightly disappointed when their time was through. Scheduling another appointment for the following week, they both gave Dr. Ember a handshake and wished him well.

"I like him." Phil commented as they used the lift in the building. "He seems knowledgeable and understanding of our situation."

"And he is very nice to look at." Dan smiled as the doors opened and they walked out into the downstairs lobby. Once they reached the street, Dan took Phil's hand back in his own and decided it was their new thing.

***

"Week 32. Our flat is fully prepared for you to attempt to destroy it and, according to my grandmother, your great-grandmother, it will not pose any safety hazards for your curious brain. Your Dad reluctantly reduced the number of plants and cacti after my grandmother explained to him how tasty plants look to a toddler. Poe, your Dad's special cactus, will go live with his mother for the time being. Maybe once you learn not to put everything in your mouth, Poe can return to live with us. Stephanie, the lady that is currently carrying you in her belly, told us that you have been kicking up a storm and causing her to get no sleep. She said that her youngest child was the most active right before delivery, so maybe you will come out into the real world sooner than we thought. We are ready for you. Are you ready for us? I cannot promise you we will always know what to do, but we have many supportive people around us that are more than willing to share advice with us. When you come, you will notice we have a lot of cameras around the flat. We might be filming you at times; however, the videos will only be shared with family and close friends. Your Dad and I have decided you will not go on the internet until you are 30. I hope you do not rebel when you are a teenager and shout at us for our decision. For some reason, your Dad talked me in to not knowing what sex you are. We are prepared for a boy or a girl, or whatever you care to label yourself as in the future. Your Dad wants to name you all sorts of interesting names if you are a boy, so for all of our sake, I hope you are a girl. Not that I will love you any less if you are a boy. I already love you, isn't that strange? I love you and I have never met you. I will always be there for you and tell you how much I love you. My parents, your grandparents, in my opinion, struggled with that a bit when I was younger and it made me question things at times. I never want you to feel your parents do not love and accept you. I better turn this camera off before I start balling my eyes out."

***

Two weeks later, Phil was sorting laundry and heard his phone start ringing in the kitchen. He was making a coffee for himself when he remembered there was laundry in the washer that would soon turn sour if not dried soon. Calling to Dan to answer his phone, Phil did not get a response. Calling his name a second time, this time louder, was also met with silence.

Closing the dryer door, Phil half ran to the phone and saw he had missed a call from Stephanie's husband. Pushing the call back button, Phil walked upstairs to the office and saw Dan on the computer with headphones on. Throwing a random plushie at Dan, Phil missed yet got his attention enough to motioned to the phone.

"We will be there as soon as we can." Phil's hands shook as he ended the call. Looking up, he found Dan stood next to him but couldn't speak.

"What is it? Is the baby okay?" Dan looked between the phone, still raised in the air, and Phil. Phil had a look of panic on his face and Dan figured it must have something to do with the baby. Phil told Dan for the past week he had been having a dream where Stephanie went into labor and rushed to the hospital to find that she was not pregnant at all. Phil took this as a sign that the baby might not survive the delivery.

"It was Joe. Stephanie went into labor an hour ago and had the baby on the ride over to the hospital. Our child is waiting for us." Phil leaped into Dan's arms, suddenly energized and ready to move. "We have to go. We have to go meet our child. Get the bag and the car carrier and we need to go."

Tripping over the last step, Phil caught himself before he fell to the ground and turned around quickly to yell to Dan to hurry up.

"It would be quicker if you attempted to help me." Dan shouted back from the baby's room where he was gathering the baby's bag of clothes and the car carrier.

"Dan, I'm no good in a crisis. We need to go. Did you get the bag?" Phil threw on his coat and then threw Dan's at him while he walked down the hallway towards him.

Setting down the bag and carrier, Dan laughed as he removed the coat from his head and put on the coat properly. "You need to mellow out. This energy isn't going to last."

"Dan, our child is waiting for us and you are giving me a lecture on energy." Phil turned to continue his descent down the stairs.

Dan, with both hands full, followed him down the steps laughing at Phil's excitement.

 


	7. FourFiveSeconds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There will be some baby health complications. The baby will go home once it is healthy enough. I have no intentions of making this a sad, traumatic story.

Joe met them in the main lobby and gently directed the pair into a private waiting area. Both Dan and Phil had been quietly containing their excitement on the taxi ride to the hospital, with little conversation due to the determination to get the hospital and meet their child.

"Jenny is with Stephanie right now, her blood pressure was a bit high but it is being managed now. Jenny can tell you more information on the baby; however, he is in the neonatal care unit. He arrived ahead of schedule and, I do not know everything but they were very concerned when we arrived. Jenny had to help Stephanie deliver the baby on the ride over. She wasn't able to get him to wait. He had some odd grunting sounds when we arrived. Jenny explained that he couldn't breathe right due to his lungs. Oh, I shouldn't be telling you all this. She can explain it better."

Hearing the news, all Phil could focus on was Dan's fingernails digging into his hand from the strong grip and the fact that his dream was becoming reality. The baby would not make it. Their son was not meant to be and he could only support Dan through this. Phil had prepared himself but Dan wouldn't listen to him.

Dan's mind went fuzzy after hearing their son couldn't breathe and he unconsciously tightened his grip on Phil to keep himself upright. It was too soon. The book they bought had a chapter that was read and re-read on the post delivery complications and issues related to premature birth. The baby was not ready and Stephanie and Jenny had let the baby come before he was ready for this world.

"Oh good, you are here. Please, have a seat with me." Jenny rushed into the room and brushed back some stray hairs while gesturing for Dan and Phil to sit on the sofa next to her chair. "Joe, Stephanie was asking for you."

Neither saw Joe give them a sad smile as he left the room, closing the door behind him.

It was Dan who moved first, which jolted Phil along with him given the tight grasp he had on his hand. Once they sat, close enough that their thighs were almost overlapping each other, Jenny went through the information.

Their son was considered a late pre-term birth. A baby born at 34 weeks was more susceptible to post-delivery complications than a baby born at 40 weeks, for the last few weeks of gestation were meant to prepare the baby for all of the functions it would need once it was outside the womb. Given that his lungs were not fully developed, he was under respiratory distress and now has a ventilator to assist his breathing. He is unable to regulate his temperature and was placed inside an incubator to help keep him warm. They are still evaluating him; however, it is very possible that he will need a tube for nutrition and hydration.

Taking in the devastated looks on both of their faces, Jenny wished she didn't have to continue. "I do not want to alarm you, but babies such as your son...the first week post delivery is very critical. You will be able to visit him soon. Since he is being monitored and has assistance with his basic functions right now, you will not be able to hold him. Everyone here has been informed of the situation and the fact that you are the intended parents. Since he will need to stay in hospital longer than originally planned, this might effect the change of parenthood. Do you have any questions for me?"

"Is he going to die?" Phil paused before asking the question, avoiding looking in Dan's direction. He knew what Dan must look like right now and he would not be able to hold it together if he looked.

"His brain and body are not fully developed at 34 weeks. He has a higher chance of death than a baby born at 40 weeks. Everyone here is doing all they can to provide him with everything he could need. I have respect for this hospital and the neonatal specialists. Once he is through these first couple weeks, we will have more information. His first few years will likely be more difficult as well; however, many babies survive at 34 weeks." Jenny continued to look between the pair, patiently waiting for more questions.

"Where is he? I mean, when exactly can we see him?" Dan recognized his hand was hurting from squeezing Phil and slightly released his hold to relieve some pressure. Looking toward their joined hands, Dan wondered if they would ever be able to hold their child's hand.

"The neonatologist is almost done assessing his needs. In my experience, they wish to have the parents near as soon as possible." Jenny moved forward in the chair. "Stephanie will start storing breast milk as soon as she is able and once he is cleared, they will feed the milk through a tube placed into his stomach. The breast milk will help fight off infections and promote growth. I'm going to see if I can find out more information. Stay in here as long as you would like, the room is reserved for you."

Once Jenny shut the door, Phil took in the inspirational posters on the walls and realized why the room was reserved for them: It was a special room for families of babies that were at higher risk. The room was meant to calm the families and/or give them a quiet place to grieve. 

"I texted my mother on the way over. Should I text her again to stay home? I want her here but I do not want her like this." Phil gave up on attempting to read one of the longer text posters, the words were just blurring together and making no sense. He had not looked at Dan since they had arrived in the room despite having no space between them. 

"I was going to call my grandmother with the name. Do we still name him? Oh course we name him, what a stupid question." Dan turned his head and shifted his body to face Phil. Quickly realizing that Phil was not turning to him, he rubbed his arm with his free hand. "Hey, look at me."

"I don't know if I can without crying." Phil continued to actively ignore Dan's face yet placed his other hand over the hand rubbing his arm, gripping it as he stilled the movement.

Kissing his temple, Dan rested his lips on Phil's skin as he spoke. "You can cry. I will promise you I will cry sometime soon."

Looking out of the corner of his eye, Phil saw the ghostly look on Dan's face and lost the control he had.

Within the hour, Dan and Phil were ushered into neonatal unit and shown the incubator that held their son. He was small and had many tubes attached to him. The nurse walked them through what each tube was meant for, but soon found that neither were listening. Both stood attached together staring in awe at the small creature in front of them. The monitors were making soothing sounds while they kept their son alive. Neither could speak and soon found the nurse had left to give them some space.

His skin was thin and almost translucent. He was mostly bald with a few wispy hairs on the crown of his head. His chest rose and fell with the breathing machine sounds, with his chest rapidly moving where his heart was with his heartbeat. His eyes were closed tight and he seemed peaceful. The nappy he wore was so small it did not seem real. 

After some time, Dan detached himself from Phil and moved closer to the box holding his son. Turning to look at Phil, it was his turn to lose control and his face fell with all the emotions racing through him. Phil closed the gap between them and held him tight as the machines continued to do their job. 

****

The specialists said he was making good progress after two weeks. He was being feed milk through a tube and breathing more on his own. His skin was starting to look a healthy colour and he gained 0.4 kg. He was opening his eyes more and staying awake more, with the nurses reporting that soon his fathers would be able to hold him.

He had many visitors, with grandparents and great grandparents, uncles and close friends. Dan and Phil took alternating shifts at the hospital, with neither wishing to leave him alone yet understanding their basic health also needed to be attended to.

Phil managed to make one video for his channel and Dan tweeted he was having a creative drought but would return soon.

The used their personal video diary as therapy sessions, with both able to purge all their thoughts and emotions into the videos.

Their solicitors assured them that once the baby was released, Dan and Phil would bring him home and the legal process would begin. The plan was a bit delayed due to the baby's needs; however, it was still going to follow the same path. 

****

It was Phil's night shift, with the baby in the neonatal unit for the past three weeks, when the nurse informed Phil that he could hold his son if he wished. Phil panicked and said he wasn't sure he should be the first. He was clumsy by nature and he would never be able to forgive himself if he caused him injury. The nurse, Kay, assured him that she would stay until he felt comfortable and she would make sure no harm came to the boy.

Phil sat in the chair and calmed his breathing while the nurse arranged the tubes and monitor wires around to pick him up. Carefully placing him in Phil's arms, he advised him to relax yet support the baby. She moved the wires safely out of the way and then stood back. "Aw, he likes being held by you."

"Dan should be here. Can you call him? No, FaceTime him. My phone is on the shelf over there. Passcode is 878787." Phil smiled down at son's face while he gave the directions. His son's eyes were wide open and so bright. You could tell he was watching Phil. His son was so light in his arms it almost felts as if he was only holding a blanket.

When Dan answered the call, the nurse smiled and turned the phone to face Phil and their son. "Someone wished to say hi."

"You are holding him!" Dan's face broke into a massive smile and then there was quick movement, with the screen changing to show the ceiling of their kitchen. In the background you could hear Dan gathering his things. As the screen turned back to him, Dan told him he would be there as soon as he could for he wanted to be the second person to hold Topher.

The nurse kept busy around the room for a few minutes until she felt Phil was comfortable enough on his own. Placing the call button closer to Phil, she quietly went out the door and left the father and son to get to know one another.

"I had a dream that you were not real but this is the most real I have ever felt." Phil smiled down at Topher. "Oh, I thought your father was the only man I was going to fall in love with, but you just surpassed him. But, shhh, don't tell him. It will be our secret."


	8. No More Parties in LA

Topher was soon released into his fathers' care, with a heart monitor and a tank of oxygen in case his breathing became shallow. He grew both in weight and length, with Topher graduated into the next size nappy. His next visit back to the physician was scheduled for two weeks out, with strict instruction to contact the office with any questions or concerns.

Many people helped during the first two days back in their flat, with someone else there around the clock to help change nappies, cook meals and give the new parents a break. After the end of the second day, Phil politely thanked everyone for their help and declared it was time for them to begin their new life on their own. Topher was healthy and progressing well, with around the clock help unnecessary. Phil's mother said she only wanted to spend time with her grandson but Phil heard the worry in her tone.

Locking the door after they left, Phil ventured back up the stairs and into their lounge where Dan sat on the sofa in his new favorite position: Topher asleep on his bare chest and his MacBook in his lap.

"He should have a blanket on." Phil reached for one of the many gifted to them and placed it tenderly onto Topher's bare skin. Kissing the back of his head, Phil smiled to Dan and then sat next to him.

"I know, I just laid him on me and everything was too far away. And, I knew you were coming right back and would do it for me." Dan teased as he continued to scroll through his feed with his left hand while rubbing small circles on Topher's back with his right hand. Every now and then, Dan confused the hands and rubbed the touchpad and scrolled up Topher's back. "I have missed so much. Am I even relevant anymore?"

"You are still relevant. Memes, especially Phandom ones, have at least a month's shelf life." Phil yawned and laid his head on Dan's left shoulder, seeking both his touch and the gentle movement created by Dan's scrolling. Smiling at his son's content face as he slept on Dan's chest, Phil took a moment to remember it for later. "He is so perfect." 

"We don't make anything less than perfect." Dan kissed Topher's forehead and then Phil's before continuing his research. "Which is why I'm never going to have time to make another video again. How do I break it to them?"

"Oh hogwash, you have time to make something. Don't start using Topher as an excuse, we will have to call back in the family." Phil laughed as Dan elbowed him in the chest; however, he soon quieted when the movement caused Topher to open his eyes and scowl in confusion in his direction. "Oh, look at that mean mug. He already has your facial expressions. I'm doomed." 

"Shhhh." Dan made a comforting sound and increased the gentle pressure on his back, with Topher soon back into the world of dreams. Using a soft voice, Dan commented, "Is it odd that he only startles with movement? He slept right through your mother cleaning the kitchen and the ambulance racing down the street."

"Babies habituate to sounds in their environment. We should be thankful he learned quickly to tune out the noise given our profession and location." Phil yawned again and closed his eyes to rest them. It had been a long day, with Topher waking early in the morning due to hunger and Phil waking with the same issue.

Soon, Dan had two people asleep on him, both breathing slowly, while he continued to attempt to reach the end of his Twitter feed.

****

Topher continued to grow and his parents continued to find the new rhythm to their lives with a newborn. Topher's parents worked in shifts, and much like all other parts of their shared lives, they worked seamlessly well together.

Dan made a video on being grateful and finding balance in life, with a strong, positive reaction from all of his subscribers. Many comments pointed out how genuine Dan appeared in the video, with little trace of the "danisnotonfire persona." Many also speculated that Dan had someone or something special in his life to prompt the video, with many of the dedicated Phandom questioning whether Dan and Phil got married. 

Their solicitors assured them the paperwork was in place for the official change in parenthood, with the new family only needing to wait out the time requirement. 

Right before their court hearing to change the parentage, Topher's neonatologist addressed a concern with his parents.

"I would like to evaluate Topher for hearing loss. He does not seem to respond the same way to sounds as a typical baby at this stage would. Have you noticed anything with his hearing?"

"He makes sounds and cries, but he is fairly quiet for a baby. He can sleep through almost everything." Phil continued to redress Topher as he answered the physician's question, with Topher passing all other parts of his checkup. "We are loud people and we just figured he habituated to his environment."

"Babies his age should still have a startle response to sudden, loud sounds. He did not seem to react to that portion of the evaluation. He is still considered at higher risk given his premature birth. I will refer him to an ENT surgeon. Do you have any questions?" 

"Does it mean he might be deaf?" Dan asked, moving closer to Phil and his son. Dan had wondered since Topher came home from the NICU why Topher always appeared calm and relaxed, despite the chaos around him.

"He does not appear to have complete hearing loss at this time; however, things can change with time. Late premature babies are still teaching us new information about development everyday. He may just be a content baby but if he does have hearing loss, or is in the beginning stages of losing his hearing, now is the time to have him evaluated. There are many procedures..."

"He is not having any procedures." Dan interpreted the neonatologist before he could continue. "He is too young for procedures."

"I'm not recommending any procedures at this time, just an evaluation to assess his hearing and whether we need to be more concerned about his development. Hearing is an essential sense to learning; if he is not hearing well, then he will struggle to progress in many other areas: Social relationships and academics are typically the most effected."

"Deaf people can learn though, he is not having any procedures." Dan felt his chest tighten and his breathing increase. Topher did not deserve to struggle through anymore complications given the battles he already had to face in his short life. He was too young to be cut open and put under anesthesia.

"Again, I'm not recommending procedures. Just an assessment to provide further information and coordination of care." The physician wrote his findings onto the tablet and then waved to Topher before leaving the room.

"Dan..." Phil started yet stopped himself when Dan took Topher from his arms and kissed his head before placing him on his upper chest to sway him.

"No, Phil." Dan started towards the door and looked back to assure that Phil was following, not wanting to start an argument in the middle of the specialist's office.

****

Official change of parenthood was approved and Topher legally became their child. Stephanie and her family, as well as Dan's and Phil's families, attended the small ceremony at the court building. Phil was sure they would run into a subscriber given their luck; however, they managed to legally acquire a child without so much as a blip on their social media sites.

Dan finally agreed to the ENT assessment, with Topher identified as having moderate hearing loss in his left ear and profound hearing loss in his right. It was determined Topher had malformations of his inner ears, which caused bilateral hearing loss. It was possible the donor egg had a hereditary predisposition to hearing loss and/or the premature birth prevented full development of the inner ears.

Given his premature birth and complications following delivery, it was recommended his parents wait and have Topher re-evaluated in a few months. Until that time, both were instructed to monitor his hearing and made note of any changes observed.

****

Six months after Topher came to live with them, Phil was in the middle of a live show, sat in the lounge, when a person typed into the chat: "why is their a baby toy on the mantle?"

Ignoring the question, Phil continued to address the other questions posed by the viewers. Soon however, everyone in the chat was asking the same question and Phil said it was left behind by a friend. Many people questioned it, but Phil insisted it was nothing and the live show continued.

Two weeks after the baby toy incident, Dan was filming a video and forgot to remove one of Topher's sleepsuits from his bed. The comments on the video were filled with speculation and the incident was tied to the baby toy in the live show a few weeks before. Dan and Phil both remained silent on the matter.

One month following the sleepsuit incident, a subscriber ran into Phil and noticed there was a spot of sick on his shirt. The subscriber tweeted the information to a friend and soon Twitter was a buzz with the third clue. #babyphan was soon trending and the Phandom took it upon themselves to blast everyone remotely close to Dan and Phil with questions via the social media sites.

****

"Hello everybody! Dan and Phil here with a very special announcement." Dan started off his live show a little too loud and was quickly elbowed by Phil. "Sorry, I get loud sometimes. I know, what?!" 

"What Dan means to say is this: Yes." Phil paused and let the information sink in. "All we have to say is: Yes."

"Phil, we cannot just say 'Yes' and then end a live show." Dan rolled his eyes to the camera and reached to the side. Keeping Topher close to his chest, facing away from the camera, Dan came back into frame. "Yes." 

Looking to Phil, Dan smiled and leaned forward right as Phil turned off the program.

Closing the MacBook, Dan snickered. "I think we just buried ourselves. What the fuck did we just do?"

"Language, Daniel." Phil smiled as Topher reached for him and blew a few spit bubbles in his direction. "Daddy's language is not acceptable. Even if you cannot hear him very well, no need to develop bad habits at such a young age. Should we punish Daddy? Blow spit bubbles if yes!"

As Topher continue to spit in his direction and giggle, Phil play attacked Dan with Topher in his arms and the laughter increased into high-pitched squeaks.

 


	9. Famous

"Ouch, move your...what is that?" Dan reached behind him and found that it was one of Topher's toys, a hard plastic giraffe, that was digging into his hip. Raising the toy up to show Phil, Dan quickly tossed it aside and went back to kissing him. Slowly lowering his hands down back, Dan reached to take off his shirt and then paused, "Did you hear that?" 

"Dan, we are not doing this. Topher is fine. We have the monitors. They are turned up and activated to notify us if he is in distress or if he starts to cry." Phil gently reassured his husband and then swiftly removed his shirt and went back to his lips. 

After a few more articles of clothes were removed and both were breathing harder, Dan paused again and angled his head to the door. "I hear something. Let me check on him." 

"Dan, no." Phil kissed along Dan's neck, nibbling as he went. "He is fine. When was the last time I got to touch you like this? I've missed this; we need this. I want this. I want you." 

Topher had been sharing their room since he came to live with them, with his cot placed next to his parents' bed. This was the first night Topher was to sleep in his own room and the first in many nights where his parents were able to express their love freely without the infant nearby. Dan had been hesitant from the beginning of the conversation about the change, citing that it was not fair that he was to spend his nights alone considering how young he was and how grown adults choose to spend their nights slept together. Phil cited their numerous baby books and research on the material about how it was important to develop good sleeping habits when children were young. He also cited the fact that he wanted to have hot, passionate sex with his husband and did not feel comfortable with his son in the same room while he defiled his father. Phil had won the argument with this trump card, or so he thought. 

"I want you too, obviously." Dan raised his hips to emphasize how much his body was showing that he wanted Phil yet the idea of Topher alone in a big room was still on the back of his mind. Topher was quieter than a typical baby and did not wear his hearing aids while he slept. Phil had bought the highest quality baby monitors and attached a sensor onto Topher's cot that would alter his parents to any breathing abnormalities. Phil even installed a video camera in the room, with his parents able to access the video feed any time they wished from their MacBooks. "Just..." 

"You prat, I swear to any god you wish to believe in that if you leave this bed, I'm divorcing you and blasting the reason across the internet." Phil stared into Dan's eyes and raised one eyebrow as he waited for a response. 

"Can I fuck you into the mattress and then go check on him?" Dan took Phil by surprise and flipped him over onto his back. After spreading his legs with his arms, Dan reached for the lube and didn't wait for an answer before he was preparing him. Phil smiled at the touch and moaned as he dug his head into the pillow. 

Leaving Phil satiated on their bed, Dan reached for some sleep shorts and stepped into them before opening the two doors between them and their son. 

Topher was sound asleep, with his small chest raising and falling in a gentle rhythm. Dan knew Topher was safe and sound in his cot; however, the small voice in the back of his head kept reminding him how Topher was fragile and could be taken from them at any moment. Dan joked about his fears yet he never knew true fear until he became a parent. 

Closing the door, Dan went back into their room and kissed Phil's chest before tucking himself into his neck. Wrapping his long limbs around his good and spent husband, Dan smiled and allowed sleep to find him. 

****

"He doesn't like wearing the hearing aids. He pulls them off if we are not watching him closely. It has turned into a game for him." Phil rolled the ball back to Topher who was sat in front of his early interventionist worker. Mary was not Topher's favourite person, with Topher quickly associating Mary with body movements he didn't like and hearing aids he wished to hide in his box of toys. Today, for some reason, Topher was allowing Mary near him without too much fuss and they were taking advantage of his compliance by working on motor skills by rolling the small sized ball back and forth. 

"I have many clients who hate their hearing aids, especially at his age. He doesn't understand what they are for and probably only associates them with something strange in his ear. How has the signing been going?" Mary placed Topher's hand on the ball and helped him roll it back to his father. 

"He picked up on the few we have been working on so quickly!" Phil beamed at his son's accomplishment and smiled as his rolled the ball back to Topher. Topher smiled back and crawled forward to reach for the ball. Picking it up with both hands, Topher raised the ball to his mouth and attempted to figure out if it could be eaten. 

"That is amazing. The Family Sign Language program is a favourite of many of my families." Mary reached for the ball and quickly withdrew her hand when Topher screeched at her and began to pout. Laying his head down on the ground, Topher began to cry and kick his feet. 

"He has also learned how to throw a nice tantrum." Phil smiled to Mary and moved closer so he could rub Topher's back. Both Dan and Phil learned quickly that deep pressure helped calm Topher during these episodes. Soon, Topher stopped crying and went back to exploring the multi-coloured ball. 

"How about his vocalizations? Has he began to use some simple words?" Mary reached into her bag for the next item to work on fine motor skills. "Last week Dan said he had started to make a sound like dada." 

"Dan thinks Topher has learned his name and frequently gloats that he taught him the word." Phil laughed. Moving closer to Topher, Phil tickled his side to get his attention and returned the large smile he was given. Sneakily removing the ball from Topher's sight, Phil placed Topher in between his crossed legs and oriented his son's attention to the puzzle Mary was setting up. 

"Where is Dan?" Mary placed a puzzle piece near Topher and was not surprised when he turned his head away from her. It seems Topher was back to ignoring her. 

"He is working in his room. Our room. He figured he could use this time to finish some things." Phil gave the same puzzle piece to Topher and was rewarded by Topher putting the piece in Phil's mouth. "Oh, yum yum." 

"His next appointment with the pediatric audiologist is soon?" Mary went back to working with Topher, allowing Phil to give the pieces to Topher to sidetrack his resistance to her.  


****

"There is another one." Dan turned the laptop to face Phil across the room. "I swear they are photoshopping the worst versions of Topher imaginable. Why would someone make this?" 

"Because your eyes, my mouth, a llama nose and a lion's mane is exactly what our child would look like." Phil teased as he put in the next DVD in the series. Topher was taking a nap in his room, exhausted from his appointments with the audiologist and paediatrician. His parents were taking advantage of the kip to catch up on anime recommendations.  


"I'm tempted to show them Topher so they stop." Dan closed his Tumblr and switched over to Twitter to reply to some random, nonsense tweets. Typing "NO!" in response to an inappropriate question, Dan sighed and closed the tab. "I need a break from the internet." 

"We should plan a trip to see my parents." Phil sat back in his spot next to Dan and pressed the start button on the remote. "They have been asking for a visit since Topher came home from the hospital." 

"That is all dandy but that requires travel. Travel requires outside. Outside equals subscribers and overzealous phangurls seeking any opportunity to take Topher's picture." Dan closed the lid to the MacBook and set it aside to cuddle into Phil. "Might as well post the picture ourselves." 

"Dan, are you hinting at something or am I just sleep deprived?" Phil played with Dan's hand in his lap, gently picking at Dan's fingers with his own. "We decided no internet until he is thirty. The live show was a one off meant to quiet the beast for a minute. Are you thinking of posting his picture or our videos of him?" 

"It would be nice to be able to share him with the world. He is such an amazing child and I just want to scream his accomplishments to everyone." Dan played back with Phil's fingers and spoke down to their hands. "I know it is selfish and could never happen, but it would be nice to have a video about his birth and everything he has gone through due to his hearing issues. Maybe I just feel stuck right now with my channel. Hey, when are we filming for danandphilgames?" 

"Tomorrow after he goes to sleep for the night. I have the games loaded." Phil raised Dan's hand and kissed the back of it. "So, when are we going to my parents?" 

"Ring them tomorrow and coordinate something." Dan rubbed his head into Phil's chest and closed his eyes. "We can hide him in blankets or a large wig." 

Soon, both Phil and Dan were asleep while the forgotten anime continued on the large screen in front of them. 

 


	10. Gold Digger

Dan and Phil had their fair share of travel over the years. First to see one another and then to explore the world together. They have had lost luggage, rude people, fanatic people, wrong itineraries and the lot over the years; however, nothing prepared them for traveling with a baby. There were the clothes and the sleep things and the bottles and the other things. So many things for such a small being. Topher had began to supplement the breast milk with solid foods yet the a large cooler was still needed to carry his supply for the week.

Phil's parents greeted them at the airport and ignored Dan and Phil stood with a million baby items attached, including Topher in a carrier attached to Dan, to zone in on their grandson. After a full ten minutes of gushing, Phil kindly reminded his parents that they were exhausted and needed to leave the crowded area. Phil's mother commented on the unusual hat Topher was wearing, a lumberjack hat that almost completely covered his face. Explaining their reasoning, Phil's parents said they understood and quickly helped the parents and their grandson to the vehicle.

After settling into their room, Dan fell onto the bed and whined about how much work they completed in one day. Phil, laying Topher into the temporary cot for a nap, ignored Dan and continued to rub Topher's back until he was asleep.

"Why don't you rub my back anymore?" Dan teased as Phil joined him on the too small bed. They stayed in the guestroom while they visited and always commented that Phil's parents did not wish them to be comfortable during their stay given the bed they used to furnish the room.

Tucking himself into Dan's side and settling in for his own kip, Phil spoke through his yawn. "I rub you enough."

Snickering to himself, Dan let the innuendo go in favor of sleep. Shifting his arm around Phil, Dan found a comfortable position and soon all three were asleep.

 

****

Phil smiled down at his mother's cooking, it almost looked too good to eat. Dan and him often cooked for themselves yet they could never made the food taste as good as home.

Dan was sat next to him, with Topher on his lap, plating some items for Topher to try. Phil's mother was giving recommendations and commenting on how babies Topher's age should be eating this and that. Dan, bless his heart, was nodding along and reporting all the information the internet said about Topher's age range and diet. Topher was a fairly regular eater and they had only found one food he spit out: Cheese. Phil was proud and Dan could only laugh. Ten months old and he was already following after his parents' ways.

"Phil, are you going to upload the video journals you both created? You mentioned something about it last time we spoke." Phil's father looked towards Phil while taking a large bite of his food.

Dan turned toward his husband and gave him a look, which was ignored in favor of Phil looking down toward his plate.

"It was just an idea that I was pondering. Nothing concrete to upload. There is loads of editing that would need to be done before we even considered putting it out to the masses." Phil quickly glanced to Dan, wondering if he was mad at the turn of the conversation. "Plus, me and Dan have yet to discuss it properly."

"It must be hard: Working and taking care of Topher all day and night. Let us watch him tonight and you two can venture out." Phil's mother smiled at Topher and signed 'more' before raising the fork to his mouth. Topher turned away and reached for Phil, who gladly took him so he could focus his attention on his son and not the many eyes watching him.

"We..no...he would need us to fall asleep. He has never before...he has a routine that his specialist requires he follow. It wouldn't be fair to have you take so much time..."

Phil's father interpreted Dan with a solution. "Get him to sleep and then go out. We will keep a close eye on him and ring you if anything goes amuck."

"That is too much bother." Dan weakly laughed, looking to Phil for help. Phil was ignoring him while he helped Topher grab the noodles with his bare hands and attempt to get most of it into his mouth. "We don't go out much. We like inside."

"Oh, hogwash." Phil's mother laughed. "Go out and enjoy yourselves. When was the last time you had a night to yourselves in the last ten months?"

"It might be nice." Phil liked the change in direction of the conversation and happily went along with the idea of going out. He loved Topher more than anything, but he missed just him and Dan time. "We could go to town. Maybe watch a film?"

"He just...he needs more looking after than a typical baby. I know you both raised two boys of your own...Topher..." Dan ran out of excuses. The truth was he or Phil had been there since Topher was born and the idea of leaving him, frightened him. "You will ring us with anything you have a question with and..."

"Dan, don't be a worrywort. They are great parents and they know all about Topher's needs." Phil smiled at the idea of taking Dan to a movie and having a proper night out. It had been ages since they had a date night. "Please."

Dan brushed down a stray hair standing up on Topher's head, his hair had grown into soft, light brown curls, and while Dan hated his own, he saw the fascination with the lush curls. Dan loved to play with his hair while Topher slept.

"We put him to bed and we stay within a thirty minute radius of the house." Dan made his demands. Signing beautiful to Topher sat in Phil's lap, he smiled as Topher reached for him.

****

"What are those bright things in the sky?"

"Why, I believe those are stars, Love." Phil laughed, holding onto Dan's arm harder while they both laughed. The night was crisp and the sky was clear, showing the many stars in the sky. They were walking back from the cinema. The film they chose was crap but it gave them an excuse to make-out in the back. At one point, Phil had his hand in Dan's lap, with Phil taking advantage of the nearly empty Tuesday night theater to show some affection toward his husband in public.

"I missed this. Just me and you." Dan awkwardly kissed Phil's cheek while still attempting to walk down the pavement. Despite how uncoordinated they both were, he managed not to take both of them down with the kiss. "Thank you."

"For what?" Phil stopped them, confused.

"For buying cereal and posting a video. For responding to my comments and sharing your Skype information with me. For meeting me in person and making me fall in love with you. For loving me and marrying me and helping me become a parent. For existing." Dan would have continued yet Phil silenced him with a deep kiss.

After getting lost in the kiss, both realized how exposed they were and drew back with a smile. Taking Dan's hand, Phil continued them back to his parents' house, eager to see their son.

"Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?" Phil brought up the conversation from before. "I think if we spend some time and edit the videos, we can make something that is informative and domestic enough to satisfy the subscribers without jeopardizing Topher's privacy. The videos are mostly about us anyway. Since our joint ten second live show, we really haven't put much out there. We could make it into a series. It would be regular content and they would literally eat it up."

"I want to make sure we don't give them too much." Dan stopped them both again and leaned Phil back against a fence lining the pavement. "I like knowing that they know about him, but I don't want them to feel they are entitled to know everything about him. We need to spend time planning this and then maybe."

"Maybe?" Phil grinned and moved closer to kiss Dan. The moonlight and lampposts made Dan's face glow and he wanted to kiss him for forever. Before their lips could touch, a dog jumped onto the fence from the other side, causing the two to run away screaming and then breaking into laughter.

****

"We have a problem." Dan walked back into their room in London and threw his phone to Phil. By some miracle, because Dan clearly did not think his action through, Phil caught the phone.

After recovering from the shock, Phil pushed his glasses up from where they slid down and raised the phone to eye level. "Break your phone again? Oh, bigger problem. How did they find out?"

"Let the grandparent war begin." Dan buried his head in his pillow and signed. "They will have to wait. I still have not recovered from returning from your parents' last week."

"It is only fair that we share Topher with both your parents and mine." Phil started to text them back on Dan's phone, nudging him to look and approve the text before he sent it for them both. _Still recovering from the travel. Topher will visit you soon. Promise. Topher started standing up on his own...look at this picture of him!  
_

"Next it will be my grandmother complaining that she has not seen Topher in ages." Dan turned himself over and leaned toward Phi's MacBook. On the screen was Phil's portion of their videos on the surrogate process and the aftermath of Topher's birth. "How is it coming along?"

"I think I found a narrative for it to flow. You need to tell me which pieces you like of your own and we could probably post part one by Saturday."

"Do we hint at the videos or do we just Beyoncé  it?"

"Beyoncé." They both said at the same time and then looked at one another.  


The subscribers were shocked and most of them freaked out on the social media sites; however, there were also loads and loads of supportive comments and their YouTube account turned into a surrogate forum for a bit. People were using the comment section to share their own stories, with nothing but support spread all around. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the journey with me. I will likely revisit this universe in the future. 
> 
> Comments and kudos give me smiles.


End file.
